Based on a combo of my weight and blood pressure from Friday, and this morning’s news report that sitting at a desk all day will kill you I decided on a whim this morning to once an hour go down the stairs and back up. That’s 48 stairs approximately 10 times a day. I just did the math and that is only like 38 +/- Calories burned a day. Not each time but for the total 480 steps. How freakishly depressing is that? And to top it off I am tired. Life Lesson: I shouldn’t do math. Math is evil. Yeah that’s what I am going with.
I decided before I did this for it to just be for me. I am not censoring myself or editing these posts. They are just what is on my brain at any given moment. I am not spending time thinking about grammar or readability. These posts are in no way designed to be a true example of my writing ability, but rather just a free writing place for me to dump some of the thoughts that torment my brain. Follow along if you wish.
It is 6:30 on Easter morning. Eman actually let me sleep until 5:30. Sigh. I really wish I knew how to make him sleep longer (without giving him medicine- really people I am not going to drug my child just so I can sleep in). I let him stay up last night an extra hour to watch the extremely stupid Spongebob Movie. He was so exhausted when he went to bed. It was only nine but my child is used to going to bed early. Now we are watching The Wizard of Oz. Not sure why my four year old likes this movie, but I am not complaining. At least I didn’t turn on the tv give him food and go back to bed. Cause that’s totally not what I usually do… Oh well Happy Easter.
Being a parent when you are in your thirties is challenging. I struggle to have enough energy for my child. Right now it doesn’t help that I have a sinus infection and allergies and am sitting up with my lungs on fire. We went to an egg hunt last weekend and being outside for a few hours has had me miserable all week. I am supposed to do it again tomorrow but the worst part of me wishes it were daddies weekend so I could stay in bed all weekend and pretend it wasn’t a holiday. And if course I haven’t been to church in several years so my mom is sure to tell me how horrible I am for not taking eman to church even on Easter. I just can’t deal with all of the guilt and judgement from church people right now. Even if that makes me a bad mom.
I don’t want to be like my mother. I think I have said that before. But I hear her every day. Today I was upset with Eman for procrastinating while putting up his toys and I could hear her voice coming out of me. “Do you see what you are doing? You are wasting my time. Look at that. You let the battery die while you were messing around. Just turn it off and put it up.” Nag nag nag. Even I want to tell myself “shut up Bitch.” I need to work on controlling my emotions. It is hardest on nights like tonight when I am hurting. Pain dulls my ability to think about what I am saying. I really need to find a way to feel better so I can not be that whiney no fun mom. I want Eman to have fun with me not remember me always complaining and gripey.
Eman is in a better mood today. Yesterday was one of those horrible days when we didn’t seem to play well together. He ignored all my requests and was super whiney butt. I put him to bed an hour early so I wouldn’t explode with angry mommisms all over him. You know…”you will do what I say because I’m the mom” “don’t you whine I’ll give you something to whine about” ick. I hate even thinking those things. Glad we are in a better mood today.
If you are reading this I am not sure why. I am just a divorced mom with a four year old son trying to maneuver the traps of parenting. I wish I could get my mom out of my head. These will just be the ramblings of my brain. Enjoy.